Grüner Glückstee

Well, here’s hoping you’ll have a little time for fiction very soon!

Reading notes like this makes me glad to be out of college. I had more than my fair share of nightmare professors, nightmare coursework, and nightmare exams as an undergraduate. It all made graduate school seem easy in comparison. I remember a lot of my friends used to think my course of study was easy compared to theirs, but they never really understood just how much work you have to juggle in the humanities fields, how little support you receive, and just how terribly oppressive the atmosphere in most programs really is. Most of my time was spent reading literary texts (normally fun, but when you’re reading large chunks of different texts for multiple classes on a weekly basis and often juggling more than one text in many classes, not really), compiling and reading research, and then drafting and revising, drafting and revising, and drafting and revising again. Of course, then you had to consult with professors (which often consisted of getting screamed at, ridiculed, belittled, and occasionally publically humiliated) and then redraft, consult again, present (in which professors would again tear you apart, this time with help from your classmates), gather feedback, redraft again, consult again, and then maybe put together a finished product. Assignments would often change on a whim. Deadlines were always tight and were subject to constant changes. Grading was unbelievably subjective. Exam questions would be based on the most minute and seemingly frivolous details of assigned texts. Sometimes exam questions would even have little if anything to do with assigned readings. Why was it like this? I attended a large public research university, and since the whole focus of the university was on generating research, most programs actively sought to indoctrinate students into contemporary academic thought and the academic lifestyle within their respective fields so that the university could put people on the academic career path, eventually churning out more academics who would produce more research. In the humanities fields, everything is extremely product-driven because funding is both limited and highly competitive. You have to produce to show that your field still holds value. Competition within and among the disciplines is unbelievably brutal and cutthroat, so the idea is to mold people from the ground up, rewiring them to research, manipulate academic language and materials, and produce academic writing as efficiently as possible without distraction. Coursework, scheduling, and just the overall atmosphere of classes were designed to foster a sense of social and professional isolation from the greater university community and the world at large so that students could be thoroughly indoctrinated into the accepted viewpoints (Professors say they want inquistive minds and independent thinkers, but what they really expect is people who inquire as they do and freely think as they do. After all, the humanities fields are very political, and deviation from established professional practices and consensus opinions does not make your work easy to publish) and lifestyle of their discipline. I went into my degree program with a love of literature and writing. I even thought I wanted to be either a professor or a lawyer someday; English (my program) is actually accepted to be one of the most useful courses of study for aspiring lawyers. That all changed by the time I graduated. It took me several years to get back into reading literature for fun and even longer to get back into writing.

gmathis: thanks, I hope too

eastkyteaguy: Thank you for your long, but well made comment! I study logistic technologies, so something that should be somehow precise, exact and so on. It is not! Honestly, this exam was from statistics. I understand somehow that we calculate it by hand (with calculators, at least). But usually people use Excel for that. It is good to know how it works. It is good to be able to count basic stuff without using Excel. It is somehow useful. But why the hell I should know the formulas by heart? Why I should check statistics tables for exact numbers? And as I have heard from classamates – two of them have same solution. One of them had full points, while other one have nothing? Teacher (77 years old by the way) said he used wrong formula – so zero points! Yes, it was little bit different, different way to calculate it (but both right). Everything is stressful, everybody thinks that his/her subject is most important in semester, there is no time to rest, no time to enjoy a fuckin’ life. I am drinking heavily (but less than few years ago), because it is only time when I can think about something else. But now, as I am paying for university (first 4 years all free, but then you have to pay), I have to take part-time job. Yes, it means I study all day, then go on night shift and I am awake even for 24+ hours per day. My grandma said she is afraid of my health, but what I should do? Should I ask for some donation some friends online (Steepster people, IRC (Reddit) people; because I do not have much real friends (and most of them have their struggles?). Nope, I won’t. I need some hobbies too! So drinking tea is making my life at least bit enjoyable. And sharing it with others is making me relax a bit. Not great though – but it’s better than hate everybody (and everything).

All studies I made so far is related to my future work. I want to finish it, because, of course, the degree opens gates (is that good in English?) to more interesting jobs. Much better wage, more enjoyable job, just… better!

As I said, I am studying it for fifth year now. I feel drained, like – I can’t find something filling my life, but alcohol and tea. And tea is not always a good thing. Moreover I am moreless psychiatric patient (I have panic attacks and something more), so it makes me really feel bad sometimes. I need a rest, while now I have at least two weeks somehow free through Christmas, but I need to study because exams starts right after.

Maybe I just need to share my feelings… maybe I need someone wom I can share my troubles with. My friend (from Switzerland) is now in Ecuador (but thanks for everything Fabiana) and other one is great one, but can’t talk somehow openly with him (but Pavel, you are great anyway).

Now, during the weekend, let’s make last (online) exam and… then few days to rest at least. I hope that my nieces and nephew won’t be around for long (nobody knows yet).

Thank you everybody who reads my tasting notes (and comments), because it makes me happy that I feel somehow needed for others as well. (I need a hug badly!)

Sending a virtual hug your way, Martin! Take care of yourself. Holidays are stressful enough, plus everything else you’ve got going on.

Sharing your feelings will help. I am glad to talk if you need the bit I can offer. I lived the alcoholic life and lost a lot of the good things. I now do more tea than the alcohol. There is an old book with a chapter called Job in it. I read what that man went through but never lost his faith. You preparation, perspiration and dedication will always see you though.Seems tough lots of days but I bet myself and quite a few other people on here know you can succeed.

Eastkyteaguy – since you mention literature, if you were to occasionally mention books you’re reading, I wouldn’t complain.

Martin – the English saying would be “open doors” rather than gates, but we know what you mean! I could never be as good as you with a second language. Like you say, college will improve things later on, even if it’s tough now. Wishing you the best!

Everybody: I made the exam today and I have passed, so now I can study for whole course exam which is traditional way. At least something that made me happy a bit.

Shae: Thank you; exactly my feelings. Holidays are indeed stressful for me; mainly because of that I need quite place for study and moreover I am somehow too tight when kids come over. But I hope it will be good. Thanks for hug!

Mrmopar: Indeed it helps, and for me twice – because writing in English makes me thinking differntly than usual. I will try keep it in mind; and if something bad happens, I will write you. But, I drink much less than I did before…sad story for 24 years old man.

Tea-sipper: Your note is really nice, because honestly I think my English is not so great. But happy to see it is “readable”, even sometimes I make some mistake. I hope those tough days will end soon! Thank you for your nice words.

You know, reading this conversation reminds me what a great bunch of people you all are. Martin, you’ve got a lot of people pulling and praying for you. I’m one of them!

Congrats on passing Martin.The first step is already behind you. On the path forward you go!

gmathis: thank you for your kind words. They mean lots to me.

Mrmopar: Thank you. Now, finding a way will be little bit easier as I can rest a bit and do not worry about every step I make.

Martin, I am so happy at your great news! Congratulations on passing your exam! Your hard work paid off. I hope many wonderful, doors open for you in the future. If you ever need a sympathetic ear, you can count on me and lots of other folks here to listen.

ashmanra: Thank you, I really appericate that! I think just needed to vent out a bit; because I feel better than in time I just finished the tasting note.